Why me? Looking at other mothers and infants at the hospital, why us? Why Hailey? Why do this to my boys? Watching children play outside, what did we do wrong? Watching children play basketball, what does this mean? Watching families in church, why are we being punished?
Those questions, the blame, the guilt, they ran through my head every second of every day (awake and asleep) for several weeks. They stayed with me while sitting by her bed in the NICU, while tucking the boys in at night, while sitting through cardiology appointments, while feeding my daughter, while hanging out with friends. They haunted my mind and made my soul ache.
Day by day, things changed. My heart healed (along with Hailey's thanks to a very skilled surgeon and his fabulous team at Cincinnati Children's Hospital)...my mind settled. I still ask questions and some of them are still "why". As I listen to the giggles and see the dimples, I ask "Why us"? As I watch her learn new things and play with her brothers, why them? Seeing her walk up and down aisles saying "Hi' to every new person she sees, what did we do? With little arms wrapped around my neck feeling little hands pat my back, how did this happen? Hearing "mum", "dadda", "E" and "Daden", I know I'll never get those answers.
Why us and not someone else? How did we get so lucky? What did we do to deserve this gift? How did we not initially see how perfect she was?
I thank God every day for this sweet little girl and her big brothers.
A friend just posted this quote...it fits perfectly! "Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are."
She is a cutie! I've been finding myself asking that same question--how did I get so lucky to have my little guy? It is definitely a nice feeling after the first couple of years!
ReplyDeleteLoved the quote, so perfect.
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