You don't realize how many hopes and dreams you place on your unborn child until they are taken away. With just sentence, all those questions and hopes were gone...vanished. "Your daughter has several physical markers that lead me to believe she has Down syndrome." Just like that, they were gone. No dates, no college, no marriage, no babies. In my heart, they were all gone. To even go so far as to question whether or not she was worthy of the name we had chosen for her. I had lost all hopes and dreams for her. They hurt too much. I still occasionally get sad over Hailey never experiencing the love I feel for my children. To never be a mother.
Slowly, I dealt with Down syndrome and what I couldn't deal with I shelved. It could wait, we had an impeding open heart surgery and heart failure to go through first. The only dreams I had during that time was getting to the other side of open heart surgery. To see her dimpled grin...to hear her laugh. To get her to her first Halloween, her first Thanksgiving, her first Christmas, her first birthday. The dreams were small to most and they were short term. None of them were too far into the future. It hurt too much to think ahead. I was afraid that future wouldn't exist.
Open heart surgery came and she rocked it. Days passed...weeks went by...milestones were met. I learned more about Down syndrome and capabilities. More importantly, I truly met my daughter. I saw her...the person. Her strengths, her weaknesses, her spunk, her charm, her sense of humor, her curiosity. I underestimated her. Without realizing it, I began to dream again. I have hopes for her future...dreams...some are the same as the old and some are new.
No one knows what the future holds for our little girl, but it is nice to dream again. Little Hurricane has her entire life in front of her. I can't wait to see what her dreams are!
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| Hi dear friend, how have you been? |
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| See what I can do? |
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| What do you mean, I'm not supposed to have this?! |
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| You have to catch me first! |
This may seem odd but one of my first thoughts after hearing "I think you child may have Down syndrome." was about not having grandkids. It is funny the thoughts that popped into my head. Here I was thinking ahead to being a grandparent when I was just a first-time mom by hours! Of course I then leaned over to Andrew and said "I am not going to work. I need to line up OT/PT/ST".
ReplyDeleteMiss Hailey, you are such a little stinker with your blue lollipop!
I cried over that too. I still think about it!
DeleteI felt everything I had ever dreamed for Russell slip away in those moments after hearing he had Ds too. I remember crying thinking he would never do anything...He would never recognize us, never have a personality, never play with his siblings. It makes me sad to remember back to all the ignorant things I thought. But remembering those painful moments make where we are now all that more amazing.
ReplyDeleteHailey has the sweetest little face. I love seeing pictures of her :)
I wonder if that will ever change. Will we ever be able to change the perception of Ds enough that when given a diagnosis the parents won't think about everything that was lost? It does make everything now even more amazing!
DeleteOh yeah those first thoughts...I think about them now and they really hit me in the gut. But as time goes by, I realize that my dreams for my son haven't changed a whole lot. Love the lollipop photos!
ReplyDeleteI hate the guilt :-) I've let go of some, but some of it still lingers (I'm afraid it always will).
DeleteI can relate to everything in your post. I remember Joanna was just 2 months old, and my husband and I were doing our monthly budget/bill playing. He asked me if I transferred money into my son's college savings account. I busted out in tears. I knew we didn't need a 529 savings account for Joanna and it felt like the world was over.
ReplyDeleteI've had that thought, too! It is the little things that put us over the edge!
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ReplyDeleteI've been sitting here wondering what to write. Beth's dreams are something that have been on my mind a LOT lately. I didn't think about 'her dreams' while she was growing up. I was too busy raising her and her sisters. Her sisters talked about what they wanted to be when they grew up, but Beth never did. She didn't express an interest in anything; didn't tell us that she wanted to play basketball or be on a swim team. I wish I had pursued her dreams. I wish I had asked her; coaxed her to try things. She's an adult now and I'm just now wondering how we can make her dreams come true.
ReplyDeleteDon't wait. Talk to Hailey about her dreams. Don't let them die. Make her try things. Make her reach for her dreams.
I will. I guess it is something you automatically think they are going to talk about. I can't wait to see what Beth decides to do!
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