The Hailey Herald

The Hailey Herald

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Caught off guard

I hate it when I know something is's inevitable...but when it does, I'm caught off guard.  I knew after all the talking about how far I've come, how far we've come, how far Hailey has come, that I would still shed tears over her first birthday.  I just expected that they would come on Sunday, on her first birthday, but they didn't...they came today.  I only hope they are all gone and I don't have to go through it again.

I started the day as any other Wednesday.  The boys got ready for school and I dropped my middle son off at preschool.  Hailey and I headed to Ash Wednesday mass.  Hailey was her social self...jabbering away, finding people in different pews to wave at and smile coyly at.  She did share a not so nice look at the nun that placed ashes on her forehead but I think that was because her bottle was interrupted.  After church, we stopped for a few groceries and picked up my son at preschool.  I grabbed the mail, opened an EOB and that is when it started.  I had a sticker shock from one of Hailey's isn't a huge deal in the whole scheme of things.  We've had larger bills and I'm sure there will be larger ones down the road.  It just hit me wrong today so the tears started.  I called our insurance company and honestly, spoke to the rudest representative who I have ever dealt with...I worked in customer service in my pre-children life so I know how tough the job is but wow....she was not nice.  I can't even type the words I used to describe her to my husband.  After she stopped arguing with me, I said bye and hung up.  I know she was still talking as I pushed "off" but I couldn't deal with her any longer.  I don't consider it hanging up on her if I said bye, right?  I cried a little more.

My next course of action was to call Children's.  25 minutes later...I've gotten now where.  No one can give me an estimate of her next on earth can 3 therapist charge $1600 for a two hour appointment?  I like them and they are good at their job, but seriously?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?  So, I hung up the phone...more tears.

I sent my husband an email...more tears.  I spoke with a friend that is battling issues of her own that are totally different but yet the feelings I'm going through are exactly the same...more tears.  I seriously cried for 3  4 hours.  Since Hailey's surgery 7 months ago, I haven't had any of the full, all-out, can't control, hyperventilating cries.  Today I was close to that.  Everything has made me cry.  Talking about crying has made me cry.

Yes, I am extremely frustrated with medical billing, insurance and I guess in a way Down syndrome because it is what makes Hailey need all the extra medical assistance.  It is so hard as a parent to want to do everything I can to make my daughter an asset to society, but have doors slammed in my face by insurance and the medical world.  Neither side wants to work with the other to help parents achieve their goals.  I do not know how families with more than one child with special needs do it, I don't know how families with children that are inflicted with serious diseases, cancer, etc, handle it.  I feel so sorry for them.  That doesn't sound right.  I empathize with them.  I cannot imagine how much worse theirs are.  It is just so frustrating.

(This is where I started back up after dinner, baths and bedtime)  I need to confess wasn't just dealing with all of the medical garbage that led to the tears.  It was someone's upcoming birthday.  I thought I was doing good...planning, invites, decorating, menu planning, searching for items, buying presents...nothing has led to a tear, until today.  I think the feelings started at church.  I remember so vividly standing in the hospital chapel for Ash Wednesday service last year.  I remember trying so hard to focus in a overly crowded room of total strangers trying so hard to not cry because all I wanted as my baby home...I still wanted the baby I had dreamed about.  I never thought I would get past those feelings.  I never felt that I would move on.  I think the frustrations of dealing with insurance and the hospital just aggravated those old feelings and today I was mad all over again. 

I feel bad when I lose myself in emotions like I did today.  I always feel that it makes me weak...I really don't like not being in control.  I feel like it is an insult to Hailey to relive some of it.  I had a wise friend tell me today that possibly I am being too hard on myself.  That all the memories are only a year old and they are "anniversaries" so to speak of a very challenging year.  Maybe she is right.

Well now that I have emotionally drained myself for the day, I guess I will go to bed.  Maybe tonight I will sleep.  Can you tell how I lost some momentum after a break?  Everything seemed to fade a little and I was able to put things more into perspective.  Hailey's nonstop laughing for about 30 minutes did quite a bit for momma's mood!

You can see the faint remains of her ashes on her forehead.  I think she wiped them all on me!

I was finally able to get pigtails!
She's not certain about them.


  1. :-( It is okay to cry and let it all out. Believe me, many of us have been there. It can be a bill from a therapist (or 3 in your case), a doctor, or an anesthesiologist. I cried over at the hospital during Ellie's first ear tube placement because of the cost of the hospital. Just the hospital, not the cost of the surgeon or the anesthesiologist. It sucks. It really does because it is just a reminder of how much extra help our little ones need. It is a reminder of how the medical system doesn't work with us (I haven't worked in customer service, but I have worked in medicine. I will honestly tell you that I had no idea for the longest time what my hours were billed at because I certainly didn't see it in my paycheck. I also had no idea how poor the insurance agreements were and how much my patients had to shell out). What I am saying is that it is okay to "lose yourself in your emotions". Do not keep it bottled up. Lose yourself and then go listen to Hailey's sweet laughter and enjoy those sweet smiles. {HUGS}

    1. Thank you! I do feel calmer today. I'll jump back into looking at all of it soon. I'm placing it on the shelf to focus on other things first. It seems every time I'm "dealing" with stuff, I hit one of these walls and start all over again!

  2. I won't go into my saga today, but man oh man, I'm having one of those weeks/months dealing with all the 'crap' that goes along with adoption, and medical needs, and jerks on the phone too - and to top it off my brain lapse forgetting a document I needed to take to the ss office this morning and not realizing it until I had waited over an hour with a cranky 2 yr old and my number was called and I got to the counter and went to get the documents out of my bag and instantly realized they were on the kitchen table! Tomorrow will be a better day!!!!! Hugs.

  3. It's ok to have days like that. I still do. And if Kamdyn didn't have medical assistance, we would be bankrupt by now, I think. I'm just kidding, but I'm so glad that we have it, because it is a huge help with all of the copays and costs that we would have to pay otherwise.

  4. I find that dealing with health insurance is a big pain. And I'm sorry it hit you all at once. I hope today has been better!
    Oh - and I love the pigtails! Hailey is a cutie pie. :)