I started the day as any other Wednesday. The boys got ready for school and I dropped my middle son off at preschool. Hailey and I headed to Ash Wednesday mass. Hailey was her social self...jabbering away, finding people in different pews to wave at and smile coyly at. She did share a not so nice look at the nun that placed ashes on her forehead but I think that was because her bottle was interrupted. After church, we stopped for a few groceries and picked up my son at preschool. I grabbed the mail, opened an EOB and that is when it started. I had a sticker shock from one of Hailey's appointments...it isn't a huge deal in the whole scheme of things. We've had larger bills and I'm sure there will be larger ones down the road. It just hit me wrong today so the tears started. I called our insurance company and honestly, spoke to the rudest representative who I have ever dealt with...I worked in customer service in my pre-children life so I know how tough the job is but wow....she was not nice. I can't even type the words I used to describe her to my husband. After she stopped arguing with me, I said bye and hung up. I know she was still talking as I pushed "off" but I couldn't deal with her any longer. I don't consider it hanging up on her if I said bye, right? I cried a little more.
My next course of action was to call Children's. 25 minutes later...I've gotten now where. No one can give me an estimate of her next appointment...how on earth can 3 therapist charge $1600 for a two hour appointment? I like them and they are good at their job, but seriously?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? So, I hung up the phone...more tears.
I sent my husband an email...more tears. I spoke with a friend that is battling issues of her own that are totally different but yet the feelings I'm going through are exactly the same...more tears. I seriously cried for
Yes, I am extremely frustrated with medical billing, insurance and I guess in a way Down syndrome because it is what makes Hailey need all the extra medical assistance. It is so hard as a parent to want to do everything I can to make my daughter an asset to society, but have doors slammed in my face by insurance and the medical world. Neither side wants to work with the other to help parents achieve their goals. I do not know how families with more than one child with special needs do it, I don't know how families with children that are inflicted with serious diseases, cancer, etc, handle it. I feel so sorry for them. That doesn't sound right. I empathize with them. I cannot imagine how much worse theirs are. It is just so frustrating.
(This is where I started back up after dinner, baths and bedtime) I need to confess though...it wasn't just dealing with all of the medical garbage that led to the tears. It was someone's upcoming birthday. I thought I was doing good...planning, invites, decorating, menu planning, searching for items, buying presents...nothing has led to a tear, until today. I think the feelings started at church. I remember so vividly standing in the hospital chapel for Ash Wednesday service last year. I remember trying so hard to focus in a overly crowded room of total strangers trying so hard to not cry because all I wanted as my baby home...I still wanted the baby I had dreamed about. I never thought I would get past those feelings. I never felt that I would move on. I think the frustrations of dealing with insurance and the hospital just aggravated those old feelings and today I was mad all over again.
I feel bad when I lose myself in emotions like I did today. I always feel that it makes me weak...I really don't like not being in control. I feel like it is an insult to Hailey to relive some of it. I had a wise friend tell me today that possibly I am being too hard on myself. That all the memories are only a year old and they are "anniversaries" so to speak of a very challenging year. Maybe she is right.
Well now that I have emotionally drained myself for the day, I guess I will go to bed. Maybe tonight I will sleep. Can you tell how I lost some momentum after a break? Everything seemed to fade a little and I was able to put things more into perspective. Hailey's nonstop laughing for about 30 minutes did quite a bit for momma's mood!
|You can see the faint remains of her ashes on her forehead. I think she wiped them all on me!|
|I was finally able to get pigtails!|
|She's not certain about them.|