Enough...

I should be in bed...I should be asleep.  The house is quiet...me alone in the quiet...me with my thoughts.  Some days that is good, it is when I accomplish the most and I am the most creative (trust me, I'm lacking in that department).  Not tonight... I read a blog post when I was putting the boys to bed that I can't get out of my head.  I can't shake it because it is so true...it was almost as if she pulled the thoughts straight from my heart.  I think the feelings are more intense as Hailey's birthday approaches.  It was written by a mom that I admire.  She has given me boosts when I need them and she always has wonderful compliments about my little monkey (who wouldn't love someone that compliments their children :-)  You can read her post here.  Patti's dream is one I have had many times.  Mine was never when I was asleep...mine has always been daydreaming, but the thoughts and dreams are the same. 

Don't misunderstand me....I LOVE my daughter...I LOVE every smirk, smile, giggle, and characteristic that she has.  Without Down syndrome, she would not be who she is.  I may not see the determination that she possesses, if I didn't watch her during therapy push herself as hard as her mom and L are pushing her.  She wouldn't be my sweet, cuddly baby because she would possibly be walking now...too independent.  A lot of the characteristics that make her Hailey, wouldn't exist if she didn't have Down syndrome.  I don't like her struggles.  I don't like the anxiety of the specialist appointments that she has.  I don't like the medical issues that "might" come up in the future.

As Patti wrote, we always worry if we are "enough" for our children.  Am I choosing the right supplements?  Are we doing enough therapy?  Am I spending enough time working on cognitive development?  Should we be spending more time working on gross motor...fine motor?  Are we making the right choices for Hailey?  If she misses an IFSP goal, is it something we didn't do?  What could we have done differently?  Parenting Hailey is harder than the boys.  It sometimes seems effortless with them...it comes natural.  I don't second-guess every decision I make for them.  Yes, I worry about them and worry if I am making the best decisions but I don't have to worry about EVERYTHING with them. 

Patti is right...we need to stop....I can't be the best mom for Hailey (and her fabulous brothers) if I'm always asking "Am I Enough."  God blessed our family with Hailey so HE thinks we are enough.  I have to trust in that.  So I need to thank Patti for reminding me that I'm not the only one that has those "dreams"...it doesn't mean I love Hailey any less and that I am enough for my daughter.

Hailey's new favorite toy...(and it's quiet!)

She loves her ears and her nose.  Apparently, it feels good on swollen gums.

Crazy hair but sweet face!