Happy 2nd Heart Day!

Today, I sit and listen to Hailey trying to worm her way between her two brothers as they play a video game.  She chats away to both of them (who probably are unaware she is sitting between them unless she smacks them in the head with a book or extra gaming controller).  She is happy just being with them, being beside them.  In a few minutes, she will toddle back into the family room  to show me what goodies she is hoarding in her bucket or shopping cart.  I never dreamed of this day, I couldn't. 

Two years ago, we were waiting, pacing and crying while we waited for word from the operating room about Hailey's open heart surgery.  The repair that would enhance her life....the one that would prolong her life.  Hailey was showing early signs of heart failure.  It was surgery or lose her.  Even though the decision was a no brainer, we were frightened because as common as her surgery is, if something went wrong, we would lose her anyway.  I don't think I'll ever forget the way I felt as we pulled into Children's hospital at 6 a.m.  The halls so quiet as if everything was in a whisper state.  It was almost as if I could hear the clock ticking away the minutes in my ear...the countdown.  Hailey was in such a fabulous mood that morning.  I won't forget the feeling of standing at the entrance to her operating room.  The sights, the smells, my fear.  Handing her to the anesthesiologist, so terrified I wouldn't see her again.  The nurse putting his arm around me saying, "We'll care for her as if she is our own."  It all still brings tears to my eyes and a huge sigh in my chest.  Those memories will never go away and I'm not sure the feeling ever will either. 

It is often hard to believe looking at Hailey that she was ever sick or ever fighting for the energy to eat and breathe at the same time.  Hard to believe that we were worrying if we would lose her when she is so vibrant.

But I sometimes wonder, is it because of all of those events that life sometimes sweeter?  Milestones bigger?  Sunrises more promising?  Sunsets more spectacular?  Giggles more contagious?  We will never know.  It just part of our story...her story.  I do know that I never let myself dream of today.  Listening to my three "hanging" out.  Watching Hailey mother over her babies or dart through the kitchen with her shopping cart like she is missing a huge sale somewhere.  I never let myself dream of the sassy, funny, so full of life two year old that we have today. 

We don't worry about her heart anymore.  It is strong and it is healed.  Honestly, it's not a thought on the radar anymore.  Most of the time, we are too busy chasing her!  I will never forget this day and I will always thank God for medical advances, our very talented surgeon and dedicated medical team. 

Happy 2nd Heart-versary, Hailey!!!!

The night before OHS

Two days after

One year later

Today...two years later

The Gift of a "Perfect" Heart

One year ago today, we received the best gift.  It wasn't delivered by mail, UPS, FedEx...it didn't come in a gift bag or nicely wrapped gift box.  It wasn't money or a sentimental card.  It was the gift of a healthy heart.

I don't think as long as I live, I will ever forget that day...from start to finish.  From the early morning drive to Childrens Hospital to sleeping in chair waiting for Hailey to wake up from anesthesia.  I will never forget how happy and giggly she was that morning, how her hair was spiky on top and how tiny she looked in that hospital gown.  I remember running my finger across her chest...her skin smooth and not scarred.  I remember family members giving her kisses and hugs and smiling through it...even though I know they were saying the same prayers that Jason and I were.  The walk down the hall to the operating room seemed like a scene from a movie...the hall seemed to get longer the more we walked down it.  The 2 nurses and 2 anesthesiologists waiting patiently outside the door.  Me planting a few more kisses on her forehead, smelling that sweet baby scent and whispering, "Take care of her" as I handed her to them.  The male nurse putting his hand on my shoulder and saying, "We will treat her as if she was our own child."  Then...the wait....

I'm not sure what was worse, the wait or the updates.  Yes, I wanted updated throughout the process, but the updates also put visuals in my head that I wasn't prepared for.  "The lines were harder to put in than they had hoped.  They took longer"...how many times was my little girl stuck?   "The surgery has started.  Dr. Manning is stitching the patch on her VSD as we speak."  That update was the worst!  My baby was lying on an operating table with her chest open...her heart was not keeping her alive...it was not beating.  It was followed with the best updated, "Surgery is over.  The doctor has closed her up.  He'll be out in a minute to speak with you."

We waited while they moved our little girl into the CICU.  I'm so glad I looked at pictures of the little ones that had open heart surgery before her.  It helped me focus just on my little girl.  She looked so tiny in that big hospital bed.

Then we did something I never dreamed I would do.  We drove home to have dinner with the boys.  We only live about 30 minutes from the hospital.  I swore I wouldn't leave her side but it was the strangest thing.  After the surgeon spoke with us and declared her heart perfectly patched, the weight that I had been carrying around for the previous 4 1/2 months was gone.  The gloom was gone and all I saw were rainbows (and maybe a few unicorns).  I can't explain the feeling...I wish I could.

As we celebrate Hailey's 1st Heart Day, no, I will never ever forget the paralyzing fear, sadness or worry.  However, today....we are CELEBRATING!  God gave our baby girl a second chance at living and we aren't about to let it go to waste!  Hailey rocked her surgery and continues to be our rockstar!

We are this happy today....

Hailey's adorable shirt was made by her friend Cora's grandma.  Cora sported one similar on her heart day!