A friend of mine recently asked what my thoughts were on people with Down syndrome (particularly Hailey) having children. I'm going to be 100% honest, this is a very difficult topic for me. It was one of the first things that popped into my head after we heard Hailey had Ds. Growing up, I didn't have a career path for my life. I had no idea what job I wanted or where I wanted to work. I had a few things that sounded "okay", but nothing I had a passion for. My biggest dream was to be a mom. Being a mom meant everything to me. I'm not sure if it has anything to do with my mom passing at 5 or not. I don't think so because when Dad remarried, I was lucky to have a fantastic mom that loved my brother and I like she birthed us. I've never not considered her my mom (biology isn't everything). My career was having children. That career path was one that I kept to myself most of the time because most people don't like hearing the valedictorian announce they wanted to stay home with their children later in life. Having Brayden made me the happiest person in the world. The same thing happened when we had Ian. My heart ached after we miscarried before Hailey. I had failed the only career I had ever wanted. I lost my baby. My soul slowly healed while I was pregnant with Hailey, but I kept it guarded. I tried not to fall in love with the little girl I was carrying. Then the little bundle scared us coming weeks too early. She was perfect. 7 lbs 7 oz. Round face, pink skin. In those few moments, I was so excited for the life she was going to lead. How fantastic it would be, when she was older, to feel the same love, adoration, and excitement I was experiencing in that very moment.
I remember that first night trying to fall back asleep. She will never be a mom. She will never get to feel the overwhelming love I have for her and her brothers. So many things I won't be able to share with her. A ladies axillary group quilted blankets for all the babies in the NICU. They gave me Hailey's after about a week in the hospital. It's stunning. Bright purple, aqua. I love it. I brought home that night and sat in Hailey's empty nursery and sobbed. Body shaking, ugly cries. I couldn't stop. My baby would never have a baby. How could that be? It meant more to me than anything else in the world and she wouldn't experience it. It made my heart ache.
Now as time has passed, I'm unsure. Most men with Down syndrome are sterile. Women with Ds are capable of having children with a 50% chance of the baby having Ds. Many of the pregnancies will end in miscarriage. It is not up to me to judge who should and should not have a child. I think it depends on the individual person with Down syndrome. What is their cognitive level? How much do they or can they comprehend? Are they responsible? Can they handle it? Do they have support? Can they handle it if the pregnancy ends in miscarriage? Can they support having a child?
As for my particular child, as her mother I don't see it in her future anymore. But it isn't my future. It's hers. No one knows what that future looks like. Guess we will all have to wait and see.
Hailey is very nurturing with babies and her dolls. If she doesn't become a mom, I know she will make the world's best aunt...hands down!
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| Taking her baby for a walk |
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| Checking on cousin Landon |
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| Making sure cousin Landon's carseat is safe. |
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| Making sure Landon has a bib to protect his clothes |
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| Watching Doc McStuffins with her baby |
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| Changing baby's diaper |
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| Making sure her dog gets exercise |
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| Taking her baby shopping |
Those of you with children with Ds....what is your thought on this topic??
I once asked my husband if there were any dreams of his for Owen that he thought had changed or that saddened him and he said "I'll never be a grandfather." I remember sitting on our couch and just crying. Because I won't ever be a grandmother.......Owen's our only and since there are only 2 noted cases of men with Ds having children, I'm pretty sure it won't happen. His love for people would be something great for a child of his to learn.
ReplyDeleteI have no words other than, I'm sorry. It is always so hard to give up a dream that we have no control over!
DeleteIf Kamdyn decided she wanted a baby with her partner, I guess there isn't much I could do about it, but I'm pretty sure I would discourage her. I just don't think it's a good idea. It used to upset me too, but it doesn't any more. I think Kamdyn will find other areas in her life just as fulfilling as I find motherhood.
ReplyDeleteI don't think so either, but I didn't want to pass judgement on anyone else who have done it in the past. I think Kamdyn and Hailey will make fantastic aunts! They will be the "cool" aunts :-)
DeleteThis is a hard topic for me as well - for all the reasons you stated. But then again maybe Kayla will be like my sister who has absolutely no desire to have kids. She is a firefighter and loves her career and loves being an aunt to my kids. Maybe Kayla just won't care about having kids either. Sometimes I do ache for her in that regards though; just that even if she wanted to it's doubtful that she could or should.
ReplyDeleteI actually hope she won't have the desire to be a mom. I have several friends who never had it. They will all just make fantastic aunts :-)
DeleteI remember being devastated after being told Russell would never have children. To me growing up and having a family is what made life complete. The ache of the realization Russell most likely will not be a Father has gone away. All I can hope is that being "Cool Uncle Russell" will be enough. But we just never know what the future holds for our kids. I try not to look to far ahead.
ReplyDeleteI try not to look too far into the future either...sometimes it just happens :-)
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